So many of our routine, everyday statements are identity statements - what I am, what I am not, What I like, What I dont like, What so-and-so does to me, I dont usually....
And I carry all my identities with me, all the time, protect and nourish them, put them in glossy packages, unpack and repack and organise them in various ways.
All these identities create the form of the 'I' - Asmita1 (YS2 II.3, II.6). This means that the more identities I collect, and create distinct shapes of the 'I', the more distinct, clear form of the 'I' emerges, and gets sharper and sharper. And I get stuck in that asmita.
"I am a Yoga teacher, therefore I am"
Now, wow. That is a strong identity that I seem to be carrying. Even as I am writing it, I can feel its pull-push. I am quick to put up defences to protect this statement (identity) and my mind seems to be bent on sabotaging any efforts on my part to try and play with this statement, try and drop it and see. It took a long while for me to stay with trying to drop this. So my hands and feet became cold, my stomach started churning. I stayed with these sensations and persisted with trying to drop it, by returning to it after every distraction and detour that my mind presented to me.
What if my limbs do not move, are paralysed? I cant do the āsana practice that am able to do today. I have my breath, my head and neck can still move, perhaps my hip can twist. Alright.
What if I lost my voice? Maybe I cant facilitate and instruct to teach others. Perhaps I will come up with other ways to teach.
I went on in this manner, until I reached bare basics - being left with my breath and mantra for a personal practice.
Then, what if I started losing my memory...
So, reality is changing all the time. Sat Vada and Parinama Vada - What I am experiencing now is true, and that it is changing is also true. However, I find that my identities are not fluid enough to change and move with reality. I am stuck in the clear shape of the "I" that I have created. I only see my identity, not reality.
How do I see reality, as is? What has helped me is my āsana and prāṇāyāma practice, and swadhyaya. Though consisting of many methods and exercises to help facilitate self reflection, my swadhyaya has been to a large extent through my āsana-prāṇāyāma practice, locating myself in my body and understanding how it works, and through this, my mind. This has helped me to at least step in the right direction many times, sometimes to have glimpses of situations, myself, the world around me, without the filter of my identities. By "step in the right direction" I mean, to begin to notice an identity statement, understand its triggers, origin, how it works (in) me; such that at some point I can begin to work it, play with it and so on. Something like what I did earlier with the yoga teacher identification.
When I see reality, as is, there is no identification, no identity, only reality. I drop all the luggage I am carrying and hence there is a sense of lightness. Then one may find the inner light that ends sorrow, "Viśokā vā jyotiṣmatị̄" (YS, I. 36).
But then, I do need identity. I am reminded of the story of the mendicant and his loin cloth that was told by one of my teachers recently. That mendicant identified with 'his' piece of loin cloth so much that he slowly started accumulating other identities one after another, in protecting that one, until he had a homestead, complete with wife, children, cows, the works. His single piece of cloth became his consuming identity. He made it so. However, what about the will to practice every day? I need my will to do my sadhana in the direction of "Chitta Vritti Nirodha" (YS, I. 2), when all the movements of the mind cease. That will is part of Asmita, and it is necessary for me, to get to the point where it drops away by itself.
Until then, I do need the Asmita. Actually, whether I need it or not is immaterial. It remains! All I can do is to acknowledge it, examine it, inquire and stay with my practice. However, as a Yoga practitioner, I am given a direction, and clear signposts on the path to see if my asmita is moving in the right direction - the Yamas (signposts of ethical conduct) and Niyamas, observances towards self discipline (YS, II.28 to II.32).
The niyamas, inner and outer purity (Sauca), contentment (Santosha), austerity (Tapas), self reflection / study (Swadhyaya) and surrendering to a higher intelligence (Ishwarapranidhana) are clear ways of quietening the mind / checking in with one's quietening, such that the self more and more stays with itself - self discipline. Prana gets dissipated lesser and lesser as the niyamas strengthen. This gets manifested externally as the yamas - not-violating (Ahimsa), seeking truth (Satya), not wanting that which is not one's (Asteya), moving towards truth / continence (Brahmacarya) and not being covetous (Aparigraha). Patanjali goes on further to state that staying with the yamas unconditionally, irrespective of circumstances, is a great vow. And I am discovering in my practice that staying with the niyamas facilitate the yamas. These two for me are intertwined, braided together with the same thread, lending themselves to my favourite definition of Yoga, as relationship, as union (although in seeming contradiction, it is also about separation of the "I" from Identity!). What I do with the other, I do with myself. What I do with myself, I do with the other. This is a simple truth that has been coming up again and again in my practice. How much of my fears I project to the people closest to me. How I have been taking on my parents' anger. How much of love reflects and re-reflects like in a hall of mirrors with my children. The niyamas work with the "I" and the "I"; the yamas with the "I" and the "other". Each reflect the other. How beauty.
In considering the beauty of this connection, I feel that all the components of the yoga practice are so woven together, intricately. I find such logic in the connections that make that fabric. It is commonly felt and said that āsana practice today has been taken out of the larger context of yoga sadhana itself and practising postures for physical fitness and beauty alone will take us away from wholesome meaning and direction. However, then that cannot be Yoga. The practice leads us to the next step. I have found in my āsana practice, that whenever I allow the intelligence of my body to lead the way, I make progress with the practice in whatever way. "In whatever way" is important because many times our minds set goals or targets for the practice that are not in tune with the inherent rhythm and intelligence. Remember, its a mind that is stuck in its identities. Hence, the surrendering to the inherent intelligence is a useful check-in. So, whenever I am struggling in the practice, it is more often than not that I have stopped listening to that inherent intelligence, wisdom, and have allowed the mind to take over. Then I've got to simply exhale, and inhale and allow the practice to fill me. It will show me the next step. Vyaasa states in his commentary to YS III.63, "Yogena Yogo Jnaatavyo; Yogo yogaatpravartate" (Yoga is known by yoga; Yoga becomes manifest by yoga"). And hence, even if practiced for supposedly lesser goals (check-in: this could be an identity statement if we are making it so), the āsana practice could inevitably lead the practitioner to the other components in the path (they are so connected) and thus facilitate meaning and direction.
But yes, what is required is to get on that mat, every single day. I cant lose my practice. It took me 6 years of irregular, irreverent and piecemeal practice and corresponding benefits before I committed to deep and steadfast practice. It took another 4 years of that practice, before I was ready for the practice to show me the next leg of the journey. If my practice is consistent, and I keep returning to it without losing my way and I do so again and again because I hold my practice in such faith, reverence, then yes, it holds steady and stable and shows me the next ground to achieve, "Sa tu dheergakala nairantarya satkara adhara asevito drdha bhoomih" (YS I.14). It is just right here to pause and feel the gratitude for a teacher who had immense faith in me and never let up on me, never gave up on me. It took a while before it sunk in that it is simply her process, her faith in her practice that propelled and reflected her. How best can I honour this tradition of teaching and learning than to offer her and all my teachers and this tradition (where the greatest teachers have teachers), all my practice and continue the work.
So the more work I do, intense āsana-prāṇāyāma practice, and understand through āsana more and more of how my body works, and through that, my breath and my mind, initially going in and out of swadhyaya and then at some point, firmly being established in the ground and practice of swadhyaya, more are the insights that I seem to gather about the workings of the "I" and the world and the engagement of the "I" with the world. And then, I start identifying with my insights. After all, I do have the working of the asmita within me. My insights start becoming more identity statements that I gather and may hoard. I have newer insights and carry those luggages too. I can forget on a daily basis that the measure of what is real is changing from moment to moment - Maya. And get stuck to the insights of the previous moment and start thinking that I am the next best thing to Patanjali! Bhrantidarshana - misapprehension / delusion. This one obstacle that Patanjali mentions in the path of practice, is a quagmire and can in a snowballing effect lead to all the other obstacles that are mentioned. (YS I.30, vyadhi styana samshaya pramada alasya aviratti bhrantidarshana alabdabhoomikatva anavastitattvani chitta vikshepa te antarayah) In my experience, any one or the other can lead to the rest in a chain reaction. I am ill and weak, more liable to fears and doubts, my mind could be hazy and unclear leading to fatigue and carelessness, which leads to mistakes, then I doubt my abilities and my path, want to try other things and regress in the progress I have made so far. This is the simplest and most obvious connecting chain of reaction that I see time and again. Another cycle could begin with self-doubt, a complete non-starter freezing action, evoking inertia, and over time carelessness, leading to misapprehension and restlessness, giving way to taking refuges in different ways, further leading to ill health, inconsistency and regression in practice.
I am in the trap of bhrantidarshana. What now? Here is where the yamas and niyamas come into play. The logic of the yamas and niyamas is inescapable. I simply get on the mat again the next day. I do my prāṇāyāma. I have my breath. I inhale my commitment to practice and inquiry. I exhale and seek the truth. I hold ahimsa as the paramo dharma and in reverence my dialogue with compassion in intent, word, action and response, and above all, offer every moment of practice in surrender to this Universe. (YS 1.34, Pracchardana vidaranabhyamva praanasya) I live the prasada that the Universe gives me. And the cycle starts again the next inhale / exhale. As I allow this prana that is born every moment to suffuse my body, my being, it leads me to "what now". I am then in that apavarga location (of learning and inquiry) and all that I see is for me to learn, understand and move towards truth and freedom, and I do not consume and / or be consumed by the experience (say, of Bhrantidarshana) (YS II.18, Prakasha kriya sthiti sheelam bhootendriyatmakam bhogaapavargartham drshyam). I stay and watch the bhrantidarshana, watch the mind perform its tricks and understand some more.
What I see is that, even as I read and talk about dropping the mind and getting into the realm of being a witness, an observer (the drshta), it is all still the mind. It is the mind which is observing itself. And hence there is a chance it gets sharper and clearer with relentless practice. There is also the chance here again of bhrantidarshana, I can easily think that I am already so much in the observer state, that I am the observer (though the thinking faculty is still the mind!). This could be the ultimate bhrantidarshana. Action from this state could become extreme himsa then. However, bhrantidarshana is an inevitable part of this process. It is hence useful to be sceptical about one's own insights and treat them lightly. They are simply signs and sights on the way. And still, perceptions of the mind. They will pass. It is work-in-progress. It is all play and experiment as well. The social boundaries for compassion, peace and happiness are clear - the yamas and niyamas indicate them. And the direction is crystal clear - As the practice matures, Intelligence acts through us4, "Tada drashtu swaroope avasthanam" (YS I.3).
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1Asmita - The identification with the "I", self construct
2YS - Yoga Sutra, the text of aphorisms on Yoga given by Patanjali
3Sutra on viniyoga - intelligent steps, application on the path.
4Sutra translation - Raghu Anantanarayanan
